Sickipedia

I came out of Asda this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She'd lost all her holiday money. I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50. I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the carpark.

I've just lost my job as an ice cream tester. I couldn't do sundaes...

I'm a Bereaver

I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come… Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

MSN: Worlds oldest man dies aged 112. Why does this keep happening?

(Not mine!) A bloke walks into a restaurant fancying some calimari. The waiter points to a fish tank and says: "we only have one squid left. The rare wild mustached green squid." "That'll be fine" says the bloke. "Get it chopped up quick". "Excellent choice sir. I shall summon, Gervais, our French chef." The chef comes out, knife in hand and grabs the squid from the tank, he holds the knife up, but the squid looks at him with puppy dog eyes and whimpers. "Pardone, Monsieur" says the chef. "I just don't have the heart to do it". "Begone!" Shouts the waiter. "I shall summon Hans, our Bavarian pot washer. He is made of sterner stuff." Hans appears and takes the knife in his hand, but again the squid whimpers and a tear rolls down its face and drips from its mustache. "Gott in Himmel" says the pot washer. "Bitte, mein herr, I cannot bring myself to do it". "I'm so sorry sir" says the waiter. "I can't believe we employ such great jessies here". "Never mind" says the bloke. "I guess Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais with a mild green hairy lip squid".

I see in the news that Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is dead. Shame really. I quite like watching him wrestle with Giant Haystacks on ITV on a Saturday afternoon. RIP Shirley! (older viewers will understand this joke!)

My missus said she wanted a nice Jaguar for her birthday. . I bought her one. . Ripped her fuckin' head off!

I was standing in a public bogs taking a leak when this big black geezer rushes in, unzips, flops his enormous dick out and says "Phew! Just made it!" I just stared and said, "Fucking Hell mate! Could you make me one?"