Sickipedia

I had my Sat-Nav nicked from my car last night. I'm lost without it.

A rather ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer. 'What are you so happy about?' asks the Bartender. 'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar, last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free... and took her back to my place.' Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything: me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!' 'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!' exclaimed the Bartender. 'Was she pretty?' 'Dunno. Never found the head’.

I don't think that a candle light vigil for Grenfell Tower victims would be in good taste!

I was feeling a bit under the weather the other day with a shitty cold, and rather waste the doctor's time, I went to my local chemist. Through stuffed up nostrils and a sore throat, I said "Can you make me something up?" He thought for a moment, then said, "Frank Sinatra was in here earlier."

A queue waiting for a job on a building site. The foreman at the desk shouts 'Next!' A man steps forwards. 'Name!' asks the foreman. 'Marks N Spencer' says the man. 'I've got no time for clowns' says the foreman. 'Clear off. Next!' The next in line steps forward. 'Name!' again asks the foreman. 'W H Smith' says the man. 'I told you, no clowns! Next!' Next in the queue steps forwards. 'Name!' 'T J Hughes!' 'I haven't got time for all this nonsense!! Next!!!' Next man steps forwards. 'Name!' 'Ken' says the man. 'Ah, that's better' says the foreman. 'Someone serious at last. What's your surname?' And the man says 'Tuckyfriedchicken!'

I got a job as a litter picker at our local park. I asked my supervisor if there was any training. He said, "Nah. You'll pick it up as you go along!"

Borrowed: Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 live in a house together. One night the 76 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs "was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 74 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells "was I going up the stairs or down?" The 72 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door".

Not my original: I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit."

(Not mine originally) How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.

(Not mine originally) What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish market? "Well, hello girls!"