Sickipedia

Viagra have released their new pill:- the "Viagra 007". It enables a man to Roger Moore.....

I tried an old Viagra pill that I found at the back of my bathroom cupboard last night and it didn't work. I think it must have been past its swell by date......

It is my sad duty to report the death of my grandad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice. Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences.

Michael Barrymore was said to be delighted when Tom Daley came out as gay - "...at last, someone who can stand a good buggering and keep swimming!"

Paddy goes into a builder’s yard and orders 20,000 bricks. "May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter. "Yes, it's going to be a barbecue." “That’s a lot of bricks just for one barbecue," he says. Paddy says "Not really - I live on the 18th floor."

I've always been extremely proud that my father followed long family tradition and named his first born after himself. My sister Reginald hates it though...

Detective Inspector Smith was puzzled by three bodies that had arrived at the mortuary earlier that day. All three of the deceased men had huge smiles on their faces. He asked the pathologist to call him the next day with any findings he may have. Sure enough, the next day the pathologist calls; "Well?" asks the detective, "what did you find out?" "First man's a Scotsman - 37, died of alcohol poisioning. He won £2,000 three weeks ago and has spent the lot on whisky. Hence the huge grin" "And the second man?" "Frenchman, 52 - died whilst making love to his mistress - hence the huge smile" "Hmmm...so what about the last of the three?" "Irishman, 29. Killed by lightning." "Why the huge smile, though?" "He thought someone was taking his photo…."

A 7 year old and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in their bedroom talking when the 7 year old says:- “You know what - I think it’s about time we started swearing” The 4 year old boy nods his head in approval so the 7 year old says, “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’ll swear first then you swear after me ok” “OK” the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. ?Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast ?“Oh shit mum, I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have to have some pissing Coco Pops” ?<WHACK!> she fetches him a sharp one to the back of the head and he runs upstairs roaring his eyes out.? She looks at her crying 4 year old and asks him in a stern voice:- ?“And what do YOU want, young man?” ?“I don’t know” he blubbers, “but it won’t be fucking Coco Pops.....”

After dropping my new girlfriend home the other night after our first date, she told me I'd have to wait 3 months before she would have sex with me. I told her I totally understood and respected her decision and that I'd ring her again nearer that time.

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "So, why are you here?" The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat and the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "So, why are you here?" The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last night, when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you ?" the Yellow Lab enquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts; I want to hump everything I see." Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away." The Black lab says "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?" The Great Dane said, "No - I'm just here to get my nails clipped..