Sickipedia

My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop. Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?" He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."

"Sorry" seems to be the hardest word. Unless you're Chinese, then it's "squirrel"....

Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns? Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine.......Ayr Town Centre....

The Vicar at my local church has had a terrible accident with a power drill. ...two, three... "He's got a hole whirled in his hand...."

I'm going to France tomorrow for the world "Flicking A Ruler On The Edge Of A Desk" championships. It's held annually in the Dordogne.....

I used to work at a cats' home, but I had to jack it in. They reduced meowers.

A 7 year old and his 4 year old brother are upstairs in their bedroom talking when the 7 year old says:- “You know what - I think it’s about time we started swearing” The 4 year old boy nods his head in approval so the 7 year old says, “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’ll swear first then you swear after me ok” “OK” the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. ?Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast ?“Oh shit mum, I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have to have some pissing Coco Pops” ?<WHACK!> she fetches him a sharp one to the back of the head and he runs upstairs roaring his eyes out.? She looks at her crying 4 year old and asks him in a stern voice:- ?“And what do YOU want, young man?” ?“I don’t know” he blubbers, “but it won’t be fucking Coco Pops.....”

My wife's just been ranting about how lazy she thinks I am. I wouldn't mind but she's just stood there lecturing me, whilst I'm toiling away dismantling the Christmas tree....

A man called Simon goes on "Stars in Their Eyes" and Matthew Kelly notices he's in a wheelchair. Matthew asks, "What happened?" "I was in a car crash with my uncle. He died and I had to have my legs amputated. But they saved my uncle's legs and grafted them onto me. In six months' time I will be able to walk again" "That's amazing!" says Matthew. "Who are you going to be for us tonight then?" "Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be.......Simon and half uncle!"

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she’d shout. "No, five pounds!" he'd say, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. "One hundred and fifty pounds!” He'd yell back, "no, five pounds!" One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled; "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"