Sickipedia

How can you make sure you're never raped? Consent to it.

I asked the doctor if he had anything for wind. He gave me a kite.

I've always wanted a threesome. How many times have you had a chick riding you and thought "damn, I wish I were eating pussy right now".

"8 men go missing without a trace" Well if you won't ask for directions...

An evangelist came up to me today and said "are you willing for your soul to enter the kingdom of heaven?" And I replied "if by 'heaven' you mean an 8-year-old girl and by 'soul' you mean my ding-dong then yes, I certainly do!"

A sadist, a masochist, a pyromaniac, a kleptomaniac and a zoophile walk into a bar. The kleptomaniac says "let's go steal a cat!" The zoophile says "let's go steal a cat and fuck it!" The sadist says "let's go steal a cat, fuck it and torture it!" The pyromaniac says "let's go steal a cat, fuck it, torture it and set it on fire!" The masochist then says "meow".

All my friends say that being married with kids is saying good bye to to fabulous sex life. On the contrary: the other day I had the most intense orgasm of my life in bed with my wife. She was hammered from prosecco and valium and both the twins had had nightmares.

Teacher says that 1 is equal to 2 halves. However, I was less than thrilled with the 2 halves of a puppy I got for Christmas.

We learnt about how to deal with cyberbullying today. There's this little button on our computers that turn them off.

Word of advice, ladies: If your new guy is great with your kids and volunteers to do the laundry, just check once in a while whether your kids' underpants shatter on impact.