Sickipedia

What's the difference between a Taliban headquarters and a primary school? Don't ask me I just fly the drones.

Why did the sperm cross the street? Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

Christmas is ace. Had nana round yesterday and she told us a joke. Her - Knock knock? Me - Who's there? Her - I can't remember.............then she just burst into tears.

What's the best way to kill an ancient Chinese warrior? Find a chink in his armour

A rabbit is running through the jungle one day and sees a hippo just about to do a big line of ketamine. 'Hey hey, don't do that' says the rabbit, you'll be spaced out for 30 minutes then that's the rest of your day wasted, why don't you come jogging with me, it's brilliant " 'Fuck off' replied the hippo 'Oh come on' said the rabbit ' i promise, you'll feel brilliant after' 'Okay, okay, if it will shut you up I'll give it a go' said the hippo and they both start jogging through the forest. Wasn't long until they can across a monkey just about to open a bottle of Jack Daniels. 'Wow wow, don't drink that, ' said the rabbit ' I know it seems like a great idea but honestly it starts great but when the bottle is empty you'll feel sick, sad and tomorrow you'll have the mother of headaches, come jogging with hippo and me' The monkey looks at the bottle then over to hippo who is nodding and says ' ah fuck it, why not, you've convinced me.' All 3 start jogging through the forest. In the next clearing 3 elephants were sitting down rolling spliffs. 'Erm....don't do that guys, you'll just be monged out for a bit, talk shit and then probably eat for the next 12 hrs, come jogging with us lot, it's brilliant, you'll feel ace'........promise. The elephants look at each other then at the other animals and decide to give it a go. Off they all set. Just over the bridge they come across a lion cooking up some heroin on a spoon. 'Nooo' says the rabbit. ' Come jogging with meeeee...............an....' Seeing the rabbit the lion suddenly drops the spoon, grabs the rabbit by the throat and rips his head clean off. As his twitching body drops to the floor the other animals look at the lion in fear and confusion. 'I'm not being funny' said the lion 'but it's the same every fucking time that bastard rabbit does a line of speed'

My uncle Len was the worst ventriloquist ever, every time he stuck his fingers up me and my younger sisters arse he would tell us to keep our mouths shut and say nothing.

So if anyone can't decide whether to buy a dog or a cat as a pet just remember that dogs enjoy being wanked off and you can find out the hard way like i just did.

Well at least all the obese Turks will be feeling a bit mu slim squashed under all the rubble.

Ffs my missus has just wasted £90 on some new fad weight loss plan. All she got in the post was a copy of the Koran and instructions on how to follow Ramadan. Fuck you Muslim Fast Diet!

Why can't you buy a pregnant Barbie doll? Because Ken always cums in a different box.