Sickipedia

In which Borough of New York City do people have the lowest cholesterol? Statin Island

My wife can't wait to use her new Tupperware. She can hardly container excitement.

I haven't got any hay left for my racehorses stable, so I've had to put some Sandown

Paddy: Murphy told me I'd save a fortune if I started smoking e-cigarettes, but I'm worse off than I've ever been! Mick: I didn't know you smoked in the first place? Paddy: I don't, horrible habit

Little Star Hobson, beaten to death by her mother's partner, was described as a lovely child who was always smiling... Well, not 'always' surely?

Ferry company have made 800 people redundant, including the on-board entertainment team. The music man is safe though, he can play the P& P& P&O, P&O, P&O

Russia: Hey Ukraine, we wana fight Ukraine: UK, USA, please help, we're scared Russia: what a fucking chicken...Kiev

I was in a Vietnamese restaurant and called the manager a slit eyed cunt. He said if I said it again he'd Banh Mi.

Why are Spaniards always pouting in photographs? The photographer tells them to say queso.

Katie Price says she regrets letting Harvey lick her windscreen as his tongue marks obscured her view, leading to her recent crash.