Sickipedia

Patisserie Valerie finance chief arrested on fraud charges. He's been remanded in custardy. Let's hope he gets his just desserts.

19 dead after gunman goes on rampage in a college in disputed Russia-Ukraine border city. Crimea River

Airliner crashes in Indonesia belonging to low cost airline Lion Air. Bit of a coincidence that Lion Air is just Ryanair said in an Indonesian accent.

Breaking news: 12 killed after gunman opens fire in California nightclub. Police confirm all victims were black... Apparently someone yelled 'GET DOWN' and all the niggers got up and started dancing.

Woman arrested for fraud after spending £16m in Harrods. In her defence, she only bought a tin of shortbread and a box of fudge.

I downloaded a copy of the new Bohemian Rhapsody movie, but I think it was filmed in a cinema. I can't make out what's going on, I just see a little silhouetto of a man

I've got a big problem at the minute with buying loads of salad. It really needs a-dressing

Cathedral City bought for £975 million. The previous owners initially thought the offer was crackers, and wanted a grater figure. They took some time to whey up the deal, thinking about their options very Caerphilly, and asked for another £50m but were told 'No, this is our final offer...Hard cheese!

My wife just loves cheese, so you'd think she'd like sucking my cock. That said, I really enjoy seafood, but....

Residents of Birmingham were earlier told to stay indoors and close their windows after a strong smell of shit, sweat and curry powder swept across the city. It turns out that it was just the result of the windows being smashed at 2 of the city's Mosques.