Sickipedia

I've been helping Art Garfunkel extend his kitchen, and was putting the concrete down for the floor but there was loads of air pockets in it so it was all uneven. I ended up putting some white goods over the top to hide it. Now he's got a fridge over bubbled mortar.

Patisserie Valerie finance chief arrested on fraud charges. He's been remanded in custardy. Let's hope he gets his just desserts.

I'm done with constantly reminding the wife to turn her hair straighteners off in case they burn the house down. Thank fuck she starts her chemo tomorrow.

'High Street clothing store Monsoon enters administration.' I thought they might have been able to weather the storm.

QuentinCrisp, have you been trying to Storm Dennis, cos theres an awful lot of wind tonight.

I spat some blood after brushing my teeth tonight. I panicked. Then I remembered, earlier on I was taking a shit while sucking on my daughter's tampon I took out of the bathroom bin. Thank fuck, I thought there was something wrong with me!

I've got a big problem at the minute with buying loads of salad. It really needs a-dressing

Ferry company have made 800 people redundant, including the on-board entertainment team. The music man is safe though, he can play the P& P& P&O, P&O, P&O

Its nights like this when it pays to be a coroner. I'm just about to carefully explore Caroline Flacks pussy, ass and tits.

Got to chuckle at the Yorkshire puddings. Spend 6k on a season ticket, cos were so cock sure we'll get promotion to the Premier League.....gets beat 0-5 home to Blackburn the next day. One things for sure, there wont be an over capacity in the Leppings Lane end any time soon, they'll be lucky to sell 96 tickets.