Sickipedia

I've heard from a reliable source that there is more bacteria on my kitchen work surfaces than there is on my toilet seat. Note to self: Stop shitting in the sink.

If anybody wants a copy of Osteopath Weekly I have back issues.

My neighbour and her new boyfriend both have osteoporosis. They met on snapchat

My grandfather just died. In a way I'm quite proud of him. He died having sex with my grandma, he is 93 years old and was getting his thing on. Anyways my grandma said 'We were doing it on sunday morning, it was sunday because he could use the church bells to pace himself'. I think he would be alive today if an icecream van hadn't gone past.'

I'm not saying I'm old. But these days, when she leans over and whispers "your pad or mine?" she's asking which of us has pissed ourself.

I understand that JK Rowling is working on a new book about Harry Potter... ...I haven't seen anyone milk a small wizard as much since Debbie McGee

My granddad died doing what he loved. Sadly, as his heart stopped, I never got to hear the end of that racist joke.

I don't want to think I'm getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.

Old people, Save money on your heating bills this winter by dying before the end of September.

Took grandma to a spa where they have fish eat your dead skin It was cheaper than paying for a funeral.