Sickipedia

My wife gave birth to a black baby, far from being livid with her I could only think of all the money we were going to make from TV advertising work.

For the first time in her life my missus was stunned into silence last night. Aren't tasers great!

Marriage is like prison but with less sex.

We were watching a film on the telly when all of a sudden the bloke lifts the woman onto the kitchen top and starts to make love to her, "Yeah, right, " said the wife, " as if that happens. " "I totally agree, " I replied, "the only thing that gets fucked in our kitchen is the food. "

When I got home I found a note from my wife saying she had gone out for a few drinks with her mates and that she had left me some dinner that just needed reheating. As soon as I shut the door on the microwave and set the timer to 3 minutes I heard her come crashing through the front door pissed out of her face, she stumbled into the kitchen and demanded sex right there. After some foreplay, I fucked her over the kitchen table and we ended up spooning on the floor out of breath and sweating. "Wow, you've never lasted that long before," she giggled. As I lay there with a smug grin on my face and feeling like a sex god, there was a sudden 'PING' from the microwave and my dinner was ready!

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving." Credit: Facebook.

Women are great, they will quite happily give you food which is a bit out of date saying it is ok, but you try telling them there is nothing wrong with their old clothes.

I had it all, money, house, motorbikes, nice cars, out every night, beautiful girlfriend, then it all went to shit. She married me.

I asked the wife if she was in the mood, "Which particular fucking mood are you referring to?" she snapped at me. I guess that was no then.

We've been married over 47 years and my wife has never changed from the day I married her. Mind you, she looks a proper twat in that wedding dress now.