Sickipedia

Marriage is like prison but with less sex.

We were watching a film on the telly when all of a sudden the bloke lifts the woman onto the kitchen top and starts to make love to her, "Yeah, right, " said the wife, " as if that happens. " "I totally agree, " I replied, "the only thing that gets fucked in our kitchen is the food. "

Women are great, they will quite happily give you food which is a bit out of date saying it is ok, but you try telling them there is nothing wrong with their old clothes.

I asked the wife if she was in the mood, "Which particular fucking mood are you referring to?" she snapped at me. I guess that was no then.

I was taking my kids swimming today and asked my missus, "Do you want to come swimming with us?" "Sorry,"' she said, "I cant come swimming as I am having 'woman's issues". Stupid cow. Just because she can't reverse a car into a parking space doesn't mean she couldn't have come with us. I was driving anyway.

Just replaced my wife with a beautiful sex doll. It's fucking useless. That won't do the dishes either.

Fuck you Trump you fucking home wrecker, now when the wife has a headache at bedtime I used to get her two paracetamol and get the occasional shag. Not now you orange cunt. Release the fucking files.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. I was the third man I married Margaret from Rochdale. I ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day I didn't see anything, the second day I didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, and I could see out of my left eye and my arm was healed enough so that I could fix myself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. I still have some difficulty when go for a piss though. Credit to original author.

I gave my wife a pair of odour eaters and she was quite offended, "Are you saying my feet smell?" She asked. "Not at all, " I replied, "they're for your knickers."

I use three in one oil instead of KY gel when having sex with the wife. It stops the whining noise from her mouth, it stops her minge creaking, and it clears the shit from the rusty starfish.