Sickipedia

The restaurant chain Hooters is preparing to file for bankruptcy. I know they've always had their knockers, but I never expected them to go tits up.

After years of waiting for gender reassignment surgery I decided to do it myself. To be honest I'm surprised I managed to pull it off.

Tottenham midfielder Brennan Johnson has started dating porn star Lily Philips, who until recently held the world record for sleeping with the most blokes in a 24 hour period. One can only imagine the deep sense of shame her parents must have felt when they found out she was dating a Spurs player.

I was working in the bank yesterday when my old teacher who always said I'd never amount to anything came in asking for a loan. I couldn't resist smiling to myself as he suddenly recognised me. I didn't say anything though, I just rinsed my mop and carried on cleaning the floor.

Had a hair extension done last week. Wish I'd gone for a traditional brick one now. Rain's getting in already.

The last thing my dad said to me was to call me a selfish prick. Dialysis machine or not, my phone was down at 20% and that's not a risk I was prepared to take.

Boris Johnson becomes a father for the ninth time. Has he ever pulled out of anything other than the EU?

I never answer my phone unless I recognise the caller. The supervisor thinks I may not be cut out to man the Samaritans help line.

My mum divorced my dad because he could never stay out of trouble. Trouble was our cocker spaniel.

The hotel I'm staying at is hosting a battered wives convention. Never realised cannibalism was so popular in Scotland.