Sickipedia

My dad took me to his local for a pint. "What can I get you?" he asked. "Just a diet coke for me dad," I replied. He scowled at me, "I didn't bring you here to order a poof's drink!" "Whatever," I smiled, "I'll have what you're having." "That's more like it!" he beamed. "Two pints of normal coke please landlord."

I've got a porn star's cock. Fucker shouldn't have been shagging my wife

It always makes me smile when I drive past a school bus and see all the kids waving through the windows. Did make me wonder why they weren't trying to escape from the fire though.

"Do you hate me because I divorced your mum?" my dad asked me. "No," I replied, "I hate you because you never remarried." "Christ!" he exclaimed, "What is it with you and your step-sister obsession?" "Duh... Have you never been on Pornhub?"

I was on my way to place my weekend accumulator when I noticed the homeless girl sat shivering in the doorway of a closed down shop. I paused, glanced at the bookies across the road before looking back at the girl and then the £10 note in my hand and it really made me stop and think... ...I reckon she's desperate enough to give me a blowjob for this.

The guy in work we called Sicknote Dave finally got fired yesterday. It wasn't that he was never there, he just kept leaving Post Its on peoples desks saying he was going to torture their wife and kids.

My wife says the funniest things after we've had oral sex... Like... "You do me now."

Manchester United expecting to receive a penalty following today's postponement. Fuck me... Don't they get enough already?

The most memorable sex I had with my wife was just before she died... Well, I say "before"

Allegations of corruption have been leaked from the Professional Referees Association. Authorities are trying to identify the whistle-blower.