Sickipedia

I like my women like I like my coffee. With big boobs and plenty of lingerie. This may explain why I keep getting thrown out of Starbucks.

I saw an old lady struggling with her shopping today, so I offered to carry it home for her. As soon as we got to the front door she said, "This is not my house." I said, "I know, it's mine."

I walked into a pub and said to the barman, "Where's the ladies mate?" He said, "Just around the corner, on your left." 30 seconds later I went back and said, "They must've gone mate, there's only the dunnies around there."

My Granddad always used to say, "When one door closes, another one opens." Whereas my Grandma used to say, "Alfred, get that bloody Commodore fixed, it's embarrassing."

BBC news: A convicted forger who ran a huge counterfeit money operation from a factory in Scotland has been ordered to pay £100,000. Have they thought this through?

When my time comes, I want to die the same way as my Grandpa - peacefully in his sleep. Not like the people in his car.

I was walking through Launceston today, when I was stopped by a representative from Colgate Toothpaste. She said, "Did you know that the average person only brushes 30% of their teeth?" I said, "We're in Launceston love, the average person only has 30% of their teeth."

I had a young black girl come up to my face painting stand today. 'I want to be something pretty', she said. Took me a whole fucking tin of white gloss.

A wise man once said, "You're going to look a right pair of assholes with your frankincense and myrrh when I pull this gold out."

"I spy, with my little eye..." "Put your cock away, Grandad."