Sickipedia

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...." "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

The girl across the road from me always gets changed in her bedroom without shutting the curtains. I mean, what's a guy to do? There's a hot girl about 20 yards away from you naked, with her bedroom lights on and nothing left to the imagination. It can't surely be classed as stalking, it's her own fault for not concealing herself more. "Fair point," said the policeman,"But she's seven years-old. You're still under arrest."

I don't know why my wife got so angry when I slipped my cock into the wrong hole. It's not like it was hers.

Just got myself one of those toasted sandwich makers... Or a black girlfriend as she calls it.

I had an interview for a job at a Childcare Center today. The lady asked me, "Do you have any weaknesses?" I said, "Yes I have two actually. One is that I get really turned on around young children, especially boys. The other is that I always seem to say the wrong thing at the wrong time."

My wife went to the doctors with a bad leg. She came back and said, "The Doctor told me I can't drive." I said, "Well I could have fucking told you that."

A Bentley just pulled up outside my house and a man in a sharp suit got out and came to the door. I said "Have I won the Lotto?" "No" he replied "I'm just here to read your gas meter"

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my, granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook....."

The woman I woke up next to this morning said "You must think the worst of me." "Not at all!" I replied. "I think you're a dirty little slag who loves anal!"

"I spy, with my little eye..." "Put your cock away, Grandad."