Sickipedia

I went to my nans leaving drinks tonight. Well technically it was her wake

My neighbour used to sell pirate films at car boot sales. Treasure island, The Buccaneer, Hook, Blackbeard

My husband has been having an affair with a women from Nice. French with benefits.

A women ran out of the bank screaming blue murder. A policeman came rushing over "What's happened". "An elephant has just robbed the bank". "Would you be able to identify it if you saw it again". "No it had a stocking over it's head".

George Michael is a liar. I went to Club Tropicana but the drinks were defiantly not free.

I used to be a tap dancer. I didn't go that well, I kept falling in the sink

I asked Elton John what County cricket team played at The Oval. He seemed to know the answer but was struggling to get the word out. I guess Surrey seems to be the hardest word

When I came back from the supermarket the other day my husband had a go at me for getting the wrong pasta. "This Tortellini is cheese and tomato I asked for the ricotta one with green leaves. Then my daughter moaned that i'd forgot to get her favourite green vegetable. I didn't expect a spinach inquisition when I got home

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

Paddy and Mick are sat in the pub eating sandwiches. The landlord walks. over "You can't eat your own food in here". So they swap sandwiches