Sickipedia

When I came back from the supermarket the other day my husband had a go at me for getting the wrong pasta. "This Tortellini is cheese and tomato I asked for the ricotta one with green leaves. Then my daughter moaned that i'd forgot to get her favourite green vegetable. I didn't expect a spinach inquisition when I got home

My neighbour used to sell pirate films at car boot sales. Treasure island, The Buccaneer, Hook, Blackbeard

A women ran out of the bank screaming blue murder. A policeman came rushing over "What's happened". "An elephant has just robbed the bank". "Would you be able to identify it if you saw it again". "No it had a stocking over it's head".

I asked Elton John what County cricket team played at The Oval. He seemed to know the answer but was struggling to get the word out. I guess Surrey seems to be the hardest word

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

My husband has been having an affair with a women from Nice. French with benefits.

How do you get dick from Richard? You ask nicely

I used to be a tap dancer. I didn't go that well, I kept falling in the sink

I went to my nans leaving drinks tonight. Well technically it was her wake

George Michael is a liar. I went to Club Tropicana but the drinks were defiantly not free.