Sickipedia

A guy walks into a bar and sits beside another guy and immediately notices he has a giant cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow! That's a huge lighter! Where'd you get it?" The other guy replies, "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish." "Cool! Can I try it?" "Sure." The first guy rubs the bottle and a genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie. The guy replies excitedly, "I want a million bucks!" "Your wish is granted." And the genie disappears. A few minutes pass and then suddenly the bar door swings open and in pour ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks fall over each other and fill up the bar. "I can't believe this!" says the guy who just made his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The second guy responds, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

A coworker told me this joke recently when I told him to "tell me a joke" What happens when you drink food colouring? You dye a little on the inside.

Back to the kitchen

Derry

Being a welshman I was gutted at todays result. Oh and Gareth Bale is a cunt!

A pack of geese is a gaggle But a pack of camels is why my dad never came back

I told my therapist about my compulsion to methodically disrupt live musical performances. She said, “That’s disconcerting.”

Captain Ahab is like G.W. Bush They're both violent men that have a revenge fantasy against a cheap source of oil.

Someone asked me to explain what a portmanteau was I tried, but it was hard to put in two words.

“Doc, my husband was just admitted to the hospital with violent butt spasms. Do you know where he is?” Doctor: ICU baby, shaking that ass.