Sickipedia

Just been watching the Billy Joe Saunders video on Twatter!

I can't stop telling knock knock jokes. I reckon I've got cornivirus!

Black Friday is a right con, I ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon, and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD

If I was a Plastic Surgeon I would put a squeaky toy in each breast transplant

I got cornered by this big bloke with a knife in Lewisham, London, "You don't want to do this to me, " I said to him, "I'm not from around here, I'm American. " "So fucking what, " he replied, "wallet, watch and phone now. " So I shot him.

Last night my date said, "So how come you haven't already been snapped up?" I replied, "I've been married before, but it didn't work out. She said I was far too inattentive." "Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."

My wife crashed her car this morning. When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time. The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory.

Woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks, "What's the problem?” The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason.It scares me.” The Doctor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.” Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?” The Doctor says, "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stone ground razor from below the neck line, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the arse crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so good.