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Last week: Nottingham Forest beat Arsenal This week: Nottingham railway station goes up in flames Today: Police interview ARSON Wenger

My daughter said "Dad, when you die do you want to be buried or cremated" I replied "I've never thought about it, surprise me"

I remember the worst two winters of the 60's Mike and Bernie!

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT **** SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

My wife said, "You never see things from my point of view." I said, "What the fuck are you talking about? Only yesterday I looked out the kitchen window."

Me and the wife went to a new restaurant that serves the meat of exotic animals and birds . we both ordered pelican it was absolutely fantastic.....but the bill was enormous.

My wife looked out of the window and said it's not going to stop is it? "Of course it fucking isn't", I shouted, "You didn't put the handbrake on!"

I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stone ground razor from below the neck line, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the arse crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so good.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks, "What's the problem?” The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason.It scares me.” The Doctor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.” Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?” The Doctor says, "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."