Sickipedia

I told my wife that I have been sleeping so well since lockdown. It must be the “feel relaxed “ shower gel you have been using before you go to bed she said. And there was me thinking that it was because I was having a crafty wank in the shower....shows how much I know.

The gorgeous nurse was talking to me as I was fantasising about sucking her nipples and generally giving her what for when I was suddenly aware that she had stopped talking...”Sorry” I said “I missed that “ “ I was just saying that sadly your mother died suddenly this morning from Covid 19” she said.

The old ones are the best. A male Tory MP married a Labour MP ...Unfortunately on their wedding night they had a major argument about politics and got into bed back to back. After a while his wife said “ darling, there’s a split in the Labour Party and if the Tory member would like to stand he’d have a very good chance of getting in” “ too late “ he replied, “ the Tory member has stood as an independent and lost his deposit.”

The boy was up in the bedroom giving his sister a good shagging. “ Oh you do it much better than Dad” she said. “ I know, that’s what Mum says “ he replied.

First proper day out from lockdown for our severe epileptic young persons care home. A lovely walk in the woods seemed a good first bit of exercise. After only a few minutes I heard a loud female scream. “ oh no! “ said my colleague “ sounds like someone’s having a fit” “ yes, sounds like a bloody tight fit” I replied.

Another oldie. A man walks into a pub with an ostrich and a cat. The landlord asks what they want to drink. “a pint for me and what would you like?” he asks the animals. “ a pint for me too please “ says the ostrich. “ I’ll have a large whisky but I’m not paying for it “ says the cat. This exact scenario goes on for three nights. Intrigued the landlord asks what this is all about. “ well, “ says the man, “ I rubbed a lamp I found in the loft and a genie appeared and gave me a wish and I asked for a long legged bird with a tight pussy.

Dick Turpin stops a stagecoach and says “ stand and deliver, I’m going to rob all the women and rape all the men.” “ haven’t you got that the wrong way round ?“ says one of the women. “ Oh shut up “ says the gay boy. “ Mr. Turpin knows what he’s talking about “

If anyone wants it, I have a sack that would just fit over someone’s head that could be used for Greta Thunberg if you don’t want to see her face as she shouts “ you’ve just stolen my hymen”

My mate told me that his Bull terrier’s bark was worse than it’s bite. Well, after 32 stitches to the back of my leg I’m dreading hearing the cunt bark I can tell you.

I’m having a bit of a dilemma: My girlfriend was giving me a blow job last night and I spotted what could be a malignant melanoma on the back of her head...the trouble is that as she is only 15 I feel that telling her may cause her undue anxiety and second, I don’t want to destroy our Doctor patient relationship.