Sickipedia

Me and my mate took some speed and stayed up all night playing 'Name That Tune'. It was a bit shit really because there's only 4 flavours. (Bumble)

I lost my hair when I was 21. What a fucking card game that was. (Mick Miller)

I was sunbathing in my garden and some twat walked past the fence and called me 'council house scum'. I wanted to grip the cunt but I tripped over a mattress and banged my head on a disused washing machine. (Megameatballs)

I've been accused of plagiarism. Their words not mine. (Stu Francis)

"What do we want!?" "HEARING AIDS!" "When do we want them!?" "HEARING AIDS!" (Radio 4 Extra)

I dropped my 12 year old son off at school this morning, but all the way there he kept moaning and saying things like, "Dad, why can't I just walk to school like my mates do?" And, "Dad, this is so embarrassing! They're all pointing at me and laughing." I told him not to worry and that everyone was just jealous because they weren't sitting on their dad's shoulders. (Silversprint)

A distressed woman goes to the doctors to ask for advice on a personal matter. He asks what her problem is, and she replies: "For the last 6 months, when my husband and I go to bed, he has to suck on one of my nipples every night to be able to go to sleep. " The doctor replies: "And how is this such a problem?" " we sleep in separate rooms." (Unknown)

A chef goes into a butcher's shop and says to the chap behind the counter, "Have you got a pig's head?" The man replies, "No mate, I was blown up in the Falkland's War."

A Jewish kid asked his dad if he could have 50 pence. His dad bellowed, "40 Pence! What do want 30 pence for!? Okay then, here's your 20 pence, now bugger off." (Unknown)

I recently gave a talk to a group of back packers. They were on the edge of their seats. (Author unknown)