Sickipedia

I plan to celebrate St. Patrick's day in the usual manner. Just a quiet evening vomiting at home.

I was chuffed when the boss said I'm a habitual liar. I've never been called a barrister before.

Why do the media always get their facts wrong? For example, a US teacher was shot by a 6 year old student at "Richneck" Elementary School. When obviously the correct spelling is "Redneck."

As they lowered the queen's coffin into the crypt, I thought: Well, she finally went down on someone.

The drought has become so severe, Councils are now begging kids to pee in the pools.

BBC: Russia to pull out of International Space Station. As usual, without a sheath.

Chris Hemsworth seduces a girl with a lisp. The next morning, he says, "I have a confession to make -- I'm Thor." The girl says, "You're thor? I can hardly walk!"

News: Minnesota ‘accidentally’ legalizes THC edibles after some lawmakers misunderstood which products were included. What were they smoking?

When people make fun of my midget mate, I tell them to walk a mile in his shoes. Because it takes fucking forever.

Turns out the Foo Fighters drummer came out of the closet after fathering three daughters with his wife. I understand. I've been so blitzed i didn't know which hole I was fucking.