Sickipedia

I went to a christening the other day and the priest said there was a car in the bible. Apparently all the disciples were in one accord. I'll get my coat...

I wonder if Han Solo had a much cooler brother named Drum.

I've noticed that people who wear jogging bottoms are usually the least likely to actually jog...

Binfluencer (noun): Person who puts the right bin out on the right day, letting everyone else on the street know which bin to take out. Particularly useful over Christmas and New Year when no one knows what day it is.

I wondered why my head was getting smaller. Then I realised I'd picked up the potato peeler instead of my comb!

So is Camilla officially a Quilf now? Asking for a friend.

I once rubbed Rachel Riley's fanny really gently. Stroke of genius.

How is my tin of so called 'Scottish shortbread' actually Scottish...? To my knowlege it has never worn a kilt, eaten haggis, watched Billy Connoly or been impersonated by Mike Myers..!!

I said to a vicar "hello father, this is a really nice church building, what period is it from?" He said "its Norman" I said "sorry, Norman, this is a really nice church building, what period is it from?"

Some husbands will say, “I think all that rich Christmas food has upset my stomach a bit. I’ve cleaned the bathroom but better steer clear for a while!” Whereas I prefer the classic, “fuck me, I’ve just done a shit that you could pour down the sink! It sounded like a flock of pidgins taking off when it came out. I left it in the bog, come have a look!”