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Just popped to a fancy restaurant for a bite to eat. The menu was very impressive, and I decided to go for the octopus. The waiter said "That's fine sir, but I must warn you that it usually takes about 4 hours to cook." "4 hours?! Surely not," I replied. "Why that long?" The waiter replied "because every time we get him in the pot the little cunt keeps reaching out and turning the gas off."

I've just had a disciplinary at work for regularly visiting my favourite website about large businesses that specialise in the worldwide sale of passenger coaches, during my dinner break. What exactly is wrong with going on bigbustycoons.com?

Elvis once again climbed out of his swimming pool for the 10th time that day, when his wife walked in and said "What the hell are you doing?" Elvis replied "I can't help falling in love."

To mark the 12th anniversary of the London 7/7 terrorist attacks, Liverpool FC supporters groups have reacted by urging the public to remember the tragedy at Hillsborough, and appreciate the pain still felt in the city.

If only we could send more mosquito nets to Africa. Then we could stop literally millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS.

How do you make a gay fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt.

Jon Bon Jovi wanted to be the face of a new healthy eating campaign promoting eggs in France, however the French government refused saying "you give l'ouef a bad name."