Sickipedia

During a particularly quiet and emotional part of my gran's funeral, my girlfriend noticed I was struggling and offered me a tissue. She just knows there's nothing I won't wank to!

Piracy is killing the music industry. You try playing the guitar with a hook...

Does anyone else find it ironic that disabled toilets are the only ones big enough to run around in?

I tried to stop swearing but I cunt...

I got fired because I lied on my CV with my new employer. I really didn't think they'd actually measure my cock...

After the death of Chadwick Boseman, BLM campaigners are rioting throughout the US, calling on the government to defund Cancer...

"I've had a breakdown," I told the lady from the AA. "Okay sir, tell us where you are and we will send someone as soon as possible", she replied. "On the M40, heading north, just beyond junction 6." "Okay sir, we will be with you as soon as possible, just stay with your car." What car? I thought to myself, as I threw more of my own shit at passing motorists.

I got banned from the gym today for hitting my wife's weights instructor. I overheard him say she had a good, clean snatch...

They say 'treat them mean, keep them keen'. If that was the case, wouldn't the Jews absolutely fucking adore the Germans? (Credit Jimmy Carr)

I've been going through some real money troubles. Realising this, my Gran gave me her pearl ear rings. "They've been passed down through the generations" she said. "But needs must". Great. Now I'm broke and I look super gay as well.