Sickipedia

During a particularly quiet and emotional part of my gran's funeral, my girlfriend noticed I was struggling and offered me a tissue. She just knows there's nothing I won't wank to!

I was unbelievably drunk during a night out recently. I ended up blowing chunks. For those of you wondering what the big deal is - Chunks is the name of my dog...

I used to date a welsh girl with 32DD's... She had a fucking ridiculously long name!

Does anyone else find it ironic that disabled toilets are the only ones big enough to run around in?

What's the difference between "slightly open" and "ajar"? I didn't have to go to A and E and 3 in the morning with "slightly open" wedged in my rectum

We've just come back from a holiday in Spain. My wife didn't really enjoy it, because everyone could speak English and all the food was like the stuff we eat back at home. She said, "Next time, I want to go somewhere where they eat weird shit and you can't understand a word they say." So I've just booked us a fortnight in Scotland.

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night. "My mate came off his motorbike today." he said. "Oh really?" I asked. "Yes," he replied, "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye." "Fuck me," I said, "No wonder he came off it then."

I got into an argument with my girlfriend. She said, "You treat this house like a hotel." I said, "I have NEVER snorted cocaine off a hooker's tits in this house."

A lot of media coverage after what's happened in Vegas. A bit over the top if you ask me. I mean, who hasn't had a few shots after a few wins on the roulette wheel?

'Woman accused of snorting dead woman's ashes at house party' It's claimed she snorted half a gran...