Sickipedia

'...I phoned the Cannabis Helpline. They said if you want to order Cannabis, PRESS HASH#!'

'...Labour MP David Blunkett was asked what he thought of the forthcoming wedding between Prince Harry and American divorcee Meghan Markle. He said, It could be worse - She could be half black!'

'...Hello everyone, my name's Alan and I'm looking for that special woman. About 5' 8" with massive tits, a lovely big arse and long dark hair. But enough about me...'

'...So, Sir Cliff Richard is downsizing. What age this time?'

"Constable, I've been graped." "Don't you mean "raped'?" "NO, there was a bunch of them."

Steven Hawking Epitaph: "...I got sick of being pushed around."

'...Was sat in my garden this afternoon when a Gypsy bastard sticks his head over the wall and shouts, " Oy, do want your shed retarred?" I shouted back no I fucking don't. ...And don't call me a retard.'

'...It's TRUE! Once you go black, you NEVER go back. The new colour scheme is CRAP!'

'...I found a load of old porn videos that had been in the loft for years and as I was going through them I tried to brush off all the dust and fluff. Then I realised they were filmed BEFORE women shaved and tried to look live a five-year-old.'

'...Marriage is like a self-service cafe? You choose what you want then see what your mate's got and fancy a bit of that as well.'