Sickipedia

Autopsy just finished on brucie. Official notice is: Bruce Forsyth died of a seizure, nice to seizure, to seizure nice

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit; Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole; Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within; Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without; Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell; Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee; Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending.

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked. And with pain in his voice he replied, "The balcony."

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them

Alex: 'Doc, help me. I'm addicted to twitter!' Doc: 'Sorry, I don't follow you...'

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

My dick is a lot like Marmite. My wife hates it when I rub it on her toast.