Sickipedia

£26m jackpot tonight. Done a few lines. Might do the euromillions aswell.

I saw my new neighbour in his garden today pulling out the 'for sale' sign. "Nice to meet you" he said in a Belfast accent, "I'm Gary Haggarty" "I'll take that sign if you don't need it" I replied.

I can't believe this girl I've fancied for years spoke to me today, it was in asda..... I said "Hello" to her, she replied "Do you need any bags?"

Capt. Tom Moore what a hero... ...hasn't stood in shit since 1969

I see Bin Laden's son has been killed in Afghanistan... ...that's strange...where I live people wait 'til wednesday before they take a brown Bin out!

🎵I'm dreaming of a white christmas🎵 Just like the ones I used to know🎶

F.A.S.T FACE - Is the face fat with greasy spots? ARMS - Do they wander into little boys pants? SPEECH - Is he saying 'Aye' instead of 'Yes'? TIME - time to call the cops, it's Gary Haggarty.

Fuck I remember the days when I was a kid you could go into a shop with £1 and come out with 2 tins of coke, a wham bar, a bag of crisps and 2 magnums.... ...nowadays... Fuckin CCTV everywhere.

Even VAR won't overrule a woman...

My 5 year old son said he wanted a treehouse in the back garden... ...20 years growing a tree and now he doesn't want it anymore...ungrateful cunt!