Sickipedia

I dropped a super huge poo last night. Just found out it’s now polling third in the Labour leadership contest.

Snickers has apologised for a "misjudged" tweet that compared Welsh place names to "someone who sat on a keyboard" There won't be a snickers eaten in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch for months.

Layla Moran announces her bid to become party leader of the Lib Dems. I’m sure Fred, Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby will all miss her

I'll come home from the pub every night, turn on the TV and without fail I'll be inundated with a begging cunt asking for charity. "Give us money for food, we're starving" "We need clean clothes," "We're sick, we need money to buy medicine" I finally lost it last night "SON, YOU'RE 5 YEARS OLD NOW." I shouted. "FUCK OFF AND GET YOURSELF A JOB"

BREAKING: 20 year old rapper Pop Smoke killed in an apparent armed robbery at his home. His girlfriend, Pop Tart, is said to be in bits

I tried a bit of finger painting today. I wish I hadn't bothered now. It's taken me 12 hours to do one door frame.

In case you missed it, here are the key players in the new cabinet: Chancellor - Dominic Cummings Foreign Sec - Dominic Cummings Home Sec - Dominic Cummings Education - Dominic Cummings Defence - Dominic Cummings Prime Minister - Dominic Cummings No 10 Cat - Dominic Cummings

Finally! Me and my identical twin brother feel the time is right to announce that we now identify as non-binary, pansexual yoghurt pots from Germany. You can call us Müller Twice.

Donald Trump has said the US airstrike that killed a top Iranian general was designed to prevent a war with Iran - not start one Putting my dick into the plug socket was to prevent myself from getting shocked, not shock me.

Just watched Tiger King and came to a startling conclusion. When you put a gun to your head and it goes off accidentally, that’s not a suicide. It’s a “Travis-ty”.