Sickipedia

My Chinese Mum bought me some sweets. "Oh Mum, these are Haribo." I said. "Well if you don't like them, don't eat them." She replied.

My father was a very skilled joiner, so naturally, I followed in his footsteps. Between us we've got eighteen gym memberships and thirty two library cards.

Just watched Tiger King and came to a startling conclusion. When you put a gun to your head and it goes off accidentally, that’s not a suicide. It’s a “Travis-ty”.

BREAKING: 99-year-old army veteran Captain Tom Moore has raised more than £20m for the NHS by doing 100 laps of his garden. Manchester Utd are reportedly eyeing him up as a replacement for Jesse Lingard.

You want to know who killed Tupac and Biggie? That bitch Carol fucking Baskin

I’m fed up of people not keeping their social distance when I’m out the house. I’ve started wearing a fake suicide belt. Now they run away from me, it’s fucking great.

Basically we’re all fucked if we don’t find a good anti-virus. I’ve heard good things about Norton but Kaspersky offers a free trial.

BREAKING NEWS: All Premier League fixtures have been suspended until 3 April over the coronavirus pandemic Even God can’t stand watching Villa anymore

I spotted my ex-wife at Crufts earlier. I thought to myself “there’s no way they’re going to get her to jump over that fucking fence and then roll over”

Three weeks of rain could fall in just over 24 hours in parts of the UK I’m locking the Mrs outside. I’ll show her, daft bitch is complaining that I don’t make her wet anymore.