Sickipedia

Just wanted to let everyone know that I've been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in, I've only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out sometime in the spring!

On the high street today I saw a sign saying hair dressing for men. I went in and there was a rabbit trying on clothes and all these blokes saying " very nice "

My mate just asked me what ringtone I have . I said I haven't really looked. But I'll guess at light brown.

I've always been known as a bit of ladies man. No matter how well signposted the gents are.

I remember trying to impress a girl by putting my foot down on the pedal .. But it turns out she had seen a bin open that way before.

I've been trying to get my girlfriend to sexually stimulate me with her keyring. But she keeps fobbing me off.

I'll tell you something that always catches my eye. Midgets with umbrellas.

What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant... Ones an elephant.

I've got the memory of an elephant... I remember one day when I went to the zoo and I saw an elephant.

One from the late, great Tommy Cooper. I was walking in the jungle the other day when I saw a Monkey with a banana in one hand and a tin opener in the other. I said to him "You've don't need a tin opener to peel a banana" He replied "I know, it's for the custard"