Sickipedia

The pope has died last night. Sadly if he'd popped his clogs on Friday, he would have been back this morning

Looking for work, Jesus heads to the job centre. He explains he's a carpenter by trade and the interviewer informs him there are 2 vacancies, first one is a grand a week working in Manchester, second is ten grand a week working in Jerusalem. He thinks for a while and says he'll take the one in Manchester. The interviewer is incredulous as the one in Jerusalem is ten times the money but Jesus says last time he was there he was hammered with tax. Credit: some bloke in a pub well over 30 years ago

Cause of death of Gene Hackman announced as detectives uncover 84kg of kryptonite in his spare room.

Police reveal Gene Hackman slipped on an onion, his wife choked on a croissant and the dog suffocated by a beret. They are looking into a possible French Connection.

Newcastle to name the road in front of st james park in honour of their manager - Howe Way

After the rumble in the jungle comes the mound in the ground

Man killed by 3 teens on isle of sheppey after being hit on the head with a concrete slab. Family and friends have said he was a very level headed individual

Final Destination Seat 11A

Having been released as Angela Rayners tax advisor, Diane Abbott is now available for specialist tax advice. Rayner was caught out when Abbott submitted a claim of 3 billion pounds tax rebate.

I like my coffee like I like my women. Lukewarm, lipstick around the rim and just when you're enjoying it you find a discarded cigarette butt.