Sickipedia

American logic: A man with a beard shoots people -- Travel ban! Phone taps! Build a wall! An American shoots people -- "There's nothing we can do about it."

I went to a country music festival in Las Vegas, And all I got was this bloody t-shirt.

I found someone’s wallet today, and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I turned it into wine.

What's black and doesn't work? David Cassidy's liver.

Best historical uses of the word "Fuck": "Scattered fucking showers, my arse." Noah, 2000 BC "How the fuck did you figure that out?" Pythagorus, 530 BC "It better start raining soon, or I'm fucking toast." Joan of Arc, 1431 "You want me to paint WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" Michaelangelo, 1505 "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" General Custer, 1876 "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein, 1915 "It does SO fucking look like her!" Pablo Picasso, 1926 "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945 "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Nagasaki, 1945 "Aw, c'mon. Who the fuck will find out?" Bill Clinton, 1997 "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of New York City, 2001 "I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad." Saddam Hussein, 2003 "I lost to a fucking black guy?" John McCain, 2008 "Who the fuck just won?" Hillary Clinton, 2016

Some kids start training to become Olympians at age 5. I'm still training my kids to come home from school with more than one shoe.

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll post photos of each one on his dating profile

My mates and I at MI5 formed a band called The Icicles. We're eavesdroppers.

I'm getting nervous. I told the wife we're out of something and she went to look for it herself.

I typed Hell into my sat-nav instead of Hull. I still got there.