Sickipedia

What's the difference between a BMW and a hedgehog? The hedgehog has it's pricks on the outside.

A new priest takes over from Father O'Mally when he retires. During the change over he asks about confessions and in particular the penances he needs to give. 'Don't worry about that Father Peter, there is a list on the inside of the confession box.' Says Father O'Mally. And off he goes. Two days later, a 16 year old Mary, confesses that she gave her boyfriend a blow job. Father Peter looks down the list of penance and can't find blow job, cock sucking or fellatio anywhere. Starting to panic, he sticks his head out of the curtain and seeing an altar boy, he calls him over. " Hey what did Father O' Mally normally give for a blowjob?" he asks the altar boy. " A Kit-kat, a bag of sweets and a fiver"

Why did they bury the Black man on the side of a hill? Cos he was dead, you racist prat !

Apparently, the Prophet Mohamed played the violin when he was a young child. He was an accomplished kiddy fiddler.

I used to be a black cab driver and one night had a fat bird as a fair. When I got her to her door , she admitted that she had no money. She lifted her skirt and pulled her knickers to one side. Pointing at her snatch, she said "You can take it out of that." Catching my breath, I said "Ain't you got anything smaller love?"

I had to apologise to the Vicar for using the word fuck. 'But Vicar , you have worse words in the Bible, words like 'murder' I'm sure you'd sooner be fucked than murdered.

Probation Officer: So how did you get caught for Necrophilia? Me: A rotten cunt split on me.

What's the difference between Hitler and Necrophilia? Well, the first is a fucking dead cunt.

GERTCHA !

A tramp knocks on a door in South Kensington. When the lady of the house answers, he thrusts a whitish dog turd in her face and asks for salt as the turd has lost its flavour. "Oh my dear man, throw that away. There's fresh cat shit in the back yard."