Sickipedia

People who switch from full-cream dairy butter to low-fat plant-based spread have a 77% chance of successfully eradicating all forms of enjoyment from their lives.

Barbra Streisand once abused me with a string of insults whilst looking down her nose at me. It went on forever.

Fenwick’s are relocating their London head office to the Shard.

I’d just like to thank the person behind the multiple upvoting recently. That the improvement in quality of jokes posted has compelled someone to spend so much of their time creating new accounts to express their appreciation is truly heartwarming. Thank you.

Being a carnivore, I like to have the whole carcass to get lots of variety: ribs, liver, kidney, and all different types of joint straight off the bone. God, I’m lucky to have a missus that miscarries so often.

I need some advice to combat coldness and draughts in my house. If you’re passing, do call in. My door is always open.

A typical encounter with Craig David. From her perspective. I bumped into some random bloke I’d never met before, on a Monday. He could have been a serial axe murderer but I agreed to meet him the following day for a drink, whereupon I acceded to his request to shag nonstop for four further days. I’m a dignified, classy girl, so decided to take it easy on Sunday, so we could talk and get to know each other. Fucking slag.

If someone says to you “Don’t ASSUME — because it makes an ASS out of U and ME”, a witty, light-hearted riposte is “Drop dead, you self righteous cunt”.

I’ve just finished building this magical treehouse and I feel like a child again. But I’m going to resist inviting one in, as I’m still on the register.

“Phwoor, I wouldn’t mind having a tit-wank off that Barbara Windsor”. “Er, she died ages ago, and her decomposing body will be teeming with worms and maggots”. “I know”.