Sickipedia

Just been through a very messy divorce. The residing judge had egg mayonnaise all down his front.

Tragically, a Down's child - whilst on a sailing holiday with his parents - disappeared overboard. Miraculously, he swam ashore to amazed onlookers. When asked how he managed to swim the distance, he said, "The swimming bit was easy. Fighting my way out of the hessian sack was the tricky bit!"

I tried twerking the other day but it went all wrong. Angrily, the doctor said, "For fuck's sake, do you want me to do this prostate examination or not?"

The chairman of the Dyslexic Association received a letter from Buckingham Palace saying that he was to be given an OBE. Apparently, he said, "What's the point? I can't even play the fucking thing!".

When the chairman of the Dyslexic Association received a letter from Buckingham Palace saying that he was to be given an OBE, he said, "What's the point? I can't even play the fucking thing!".

Shocking news about Barbara Weldens today.

After I shagged the beautiful dead woman in the morgue, I paid the mortuary attendant the agreed £50 but felt obliged to complain to him about her runny nose. "Oh Christ" he said — "She's not full up again already is she?!!!!"

At all good book shops from Monday: Frantic Norwegian Onanism by Sörf Orskinn

Teacher to pupil: 'So you're being bullied just because you wear glasses? Stop crying lad, and just calm down. Let me assure you, to me you sum up the word "individuality"... why? Because it's also got four i's, now fuck off, you speccy twat!'.

We need HS2 as much as Charlie Gard needed his first bicycle.