Sickipedia

Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Google asks where I am. The internet has turned into my girlfriend

The only advantage to being on the Sex Offenders Register is, I no longer get children knocking on my door at this time of year demanding sweets and money

Just found out there is a library in my local town centre. They kept that quiet

When I was a child I had many imaginary friends. They were real people... I just imagined they were my friends

"Above Us Only Sky" is the motto of John Lennon Airport in Liverpool, a line taken from the classic song 'Imagine' The baggage handlers motto is also taken from the same song. "Imagine No Possessions"

Anyone who feels bad about ruining the environment for the next generation hasn't spent a lot of time around teenagers

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair

Weird: People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin

"Son you're just not cut out to be a mime." "Was it something I said?" "Yes."

It breaks my heart that pirates spend their whole lives following a map, when the real treasure is the friendships they build along the way