Sickipedia

Got back from the pub last night and whispered to my wife, "I'm sleeping in the spare room tonight darling." "Ahh that's sweet of you," she said, "you're drunk and don't want to disturb me?" "No, I've brought a bird back with me" I replied.

I robbed a 2nd hand shop last night but now I don't know what to do with the swag.

Local authorities in Dublin have reacted swiftly to the current water shortage. They’ve announced that they are closing lanes 1 and 2 at all of the local swimming pools with immediate effect.

why did the chickens cross the road? To go and play with some cocks.

I spotted a geezer on the bus wearing a T-shirt that read, "This is what a feminist looks like." Fair enough, he had a flat chest and facial hair.

I got a text from a one night stand earlier. "Boy you have thick sperm", she said. "Why? Can you still feel it stuck in your throat?" Said I excitedly. "Errr no", she replied, "I'm pregnant and it has Down syndrome".

My Grandad shrugged and said to me "This is not the country I fought for lad." I said "I know Grandad. You were a Messerschmitt pilot in the German Airforce." .

Dad said one mans trash is another mans treasure Pretty shit way to find out your adopted.

A prolific poster told us on here recently he was riddled with cancer and calling it a day. Does anyone know if he's dead yet?

I am allergic to Durex which might explain why my arse is always itching.