Sickipedia

Alcohol does not solve problems. But then again neither does milk

A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker. He says to the landlord "Fuck me, that must be one clever dog" "Not really" said the landlord, "Every time he gets a good hand his fucking tail starts wagging"

Did you hear about the fat Yank who went into the casino? He asked for ten thousand dollars worth of chips, but had eaten them all before he got to the tables.

An Elephant is walking through the jungle, when a Jaguar suddenly leaps out and bites the Elephants tool off. The Elephant says, "Why the fuck did you do that"? The Jaguar replies, "Because I'm a two litre Jag".

There were two Nuns riding their bikes down an old road, when one of them says, "I've never come this way before." The other says, "Me neither, it must be the cobblestones."

The Department For Political Correctness have announced that the climate in the UK will no longer be referred to as "British Weather" Rather than offend a sizeable proportion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as "Muslim Weather". That being partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

I unfortunately mixed up my sleeping pills with my Viagra. I ended up having forty wanks.

I bought a blow up doll last week and I must admit it's just like the real thing. It wont suck me off, it cant cook and it wont clean the house. So I'm going to throw it in the canal tomorrow.

Apparently, only 95% of men know how to turn on a dishwasher. Personally I always find that licking her nipples and lightly fingering her pussy does the trick.

A Nun is walking down the street when a young soldier comes running up to her. He says "Please can you help me? I'm being chased by the Military Police, let me hide under your robes, I'll explain later" The Nun lets the soldier hide under under her robes, then two Military Policemen appear and ask the Nun if she has seen a soldier, she Says "No", then sends them the wrong way. The soldier crawls out from beneath the Nuns robes and says " I can't thank you enough Sister, they are wanting to send me to Iraq but I don't want to go" The Nun replies "I can understand that completely" The soldier then says "I hope you don't mind me saying this but you have a really nice pair of legs under there" The Nun says "Not at all, in fact if you had looked a little higher you would have noticed a really nice pair of balls, you see, I don't want to go to fucking Iraq either"!