Sickipedia

A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was. I replied, "Mate, it's 2018, you can use any printer you want."

In bed with the missus last night, I reached over and started fondling her breasts. "Ooh," she giggled. "Trying to get lucky, are you?" "Sure am," I replied. "But I haven't found a lump yet."

They say chameleon’s blend in well, but this smoothie tastes fuckin’ terrible.

Just a quick heads-up, lads... Tesco are giving away free Christmas turkeys to anyone who can outrun their security guards.

Dad always used to say: ‘the best bit about the fight was the make-up sex.’ Great dad, terrible boxer.

Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat”. She said. “No” I said, “that’s buoyancy”.

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe that cloning machine worked.”

After putting down the cheese grater, Helen Keller admitted it was the most violent book she’d ever read.

Heartwarming to hear that after sixteen years’ of retirement, Sean Connery has finally found his niche. She was in the back garden playing with his nephew.

Can’t believe I got fired on my very first day as a signwirter.