Sickipedia

A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" He asks the dog. "Yes!" The Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!" The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!" The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid!" The owner says. "£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

I never forget my sons first words... "Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"

One of my testicles feels different than the other two. Is that uncommon?

My neighbours keep banging on my wall whilst I'm trying to listen to my music. A little respect please! They have just shouted. I'm not a big Erasure fan but ok this one's for you!

My wife said I'm too immature and if I don't grow up she is going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.

Whilst supporting Mo Farah the other-night, I decided to bring a banner with the fashionable 'Go Mo' written on it. That way, when I headed over to support Tom Daley afterwards, I simply replaced the 'G' with a 'H

statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

Whilst crouch in a graveyard, a man with his dog walked passed me he said "morning" I said no "just taking a shit"

My wife just asked me if I knew how to make her tits bigger. I said "Try rubbing toilet paper between yours tits", It's worked for your arse.