Sickipedia

"Why is there a sledge hammer and a knife on our dining table?" My wife asked "Because you told me to make a meal for Thor." I replied

"How long did you let the Lamb rest for?" I asked the Welsh chef. "Until its arse healed." He replied

For 50 quid I'll stop flushing my used condoms down the bog and half plastic pollution.

The little girl closed her eyes and kissed the frog. When she opened them again there stood a paedophile holding a Pizza. He then proceeded to fuck her. The End

I asked my wife to get me a green jumper for my Birthday. Just unwrapped a Frog!

I've reported my DNA missing just in case it's found somewhere bad.

Failed my work's Drug test. Didn't want to be a fucking Pharmacist anyway.

I found a wooden stake with a square piece of wood attached to it. I thought fuck it, I'll try selling it. Wrote for sale on it and stuck it on my front lawn. Wow, just been offered £300k for it!

" How did the interview go love?" My wife asked "They asked me how I'd deal with confrontations and I said, It’s good to get angry. It’s an emotion and part of the game. It’s good to go a bit mad but I don’t throw teacups around. That’s not my style – I’d rather throw punches.” "For fucks sake Barry! When I said act like you're keen I didn't mean Roy Keane!"

Warning, never flash your headlights to let someone out at a junction. I did and a dogger spunked all over my windscreen.