Sickipedia

I found a wooden stake with a square piece of wood attached to it. I thought fuck it, I'll try selling it. Wrote for sale on it and stuck it on my front lawn. Wow, just been offered £300k for it!

"You've go spunk in your hair you dirty fucker!" I shouted furiously My cock never replied.

I bought a shoe cam off a voyeurs site. I'd highly recommended it. You'd be amazed at the amount of dog shit you tread in during the day.

" How did the interview go love?" My wife asked "They asked me how I'd deal with confrontations and I said, It’s good to get angry. It’s an emotion and part of the game. It’s good to go a bit mad but I don’t throw teacups around. That’s not my style – I’d rather throw punches.” "For fucks sake Barry! When I said act like you're keen I didn't mean Roy Keane!"

I went to my Doctors complaining that half my face was numb, "Do you think I've had a stroke?" I asked. "Nope, You've got a wasps nest in your beard and you've been stung."

My Mum straddled me and shouted in my face, "You're a fucking loser!" Wasn't what I expected to happen the second I lost my virginity.

I requested the council came and inspected my manhole cover. They said, "We don't recommend you tar your anus but it looks water tight."

Warning, never flash your headlights to let someone out at a junction. I did and a dogger spunked all over my windscreen.

My psychiatrist suggested I joined a bridge club to take my mind off suicidal thoughts. We all agreed that The Golden Gates would be the best to jump off.

I asked my wife to get me a green jumper for my Birthday. Just unwrapped a Frog!