Sickipedia

Last night, I had a cooking-oil fire in my kitchen. Then I remembered seeing written on a fire-cabinet: "IN CASE OF FIRE - BREAK GLASS" So I smashed all my empty wine bottles into the fire. THEN I had fire AND broken glass everywhere in my kitchen! How the fuck was that supposed to help?!

Two girls sharing a flat. One girl goes out for the evening with her new boyfriend. The next morning, her flatmate asks what the boyfriend is like. Girl says "Oh, he's very nice. . Polite, funny, attentive. . ." The other girl says "No. . I mean - what's he like in bed?" She replies "Well. . He's got a dick like a baby" The other girl says "What? It's tiny. . Like a baby?" The girl says "NO. . His dick is like a baby!. . It's 12 inches long, weighs 9 pounds and has a head that's 4 inches across!"

A woman asked me if I had ever peed in the shower. I said "yes. Once or twice. . By accident" She said "What!? You pee in the shower? - that's filthy and disgusting! And what do you mean it was accidental?" I said "Well, you know how it is. . You're in the shower. . having a shit - and sometimes a bit of piss will come out too"

I'll never forget my last day at work. . My boss said to me "Do you know why I've called you into my office?" I said "Because I accidentally sent you 12 dick-pics?" He stopped pouring the two glasses of wine on his desk and said. . "What do you mean. . ACCIDENTALLY?!"

At a wedding party in Mexico, the inebriated groom stumbles into the bedroom and finds his bride getting fucked by the best man. he laughs uproariously and calls his his friends to the doorway to have a look. They say to him "Juan, you are drunk!" "You think I'M drunk?" he yells. . "Take a look at Manuel. . He's so drunk, he thinks he's ME!"

Trump has just announced "Under my administration, the year is 2018. . That's the highest it's ever been in history!"

My grandfather is 92 years old. He went to the doctor and asked him for a prescription for Viagra. The doctor said he couldn't do it. My uncle asked "Why is that? . . .Is it bad for my heart or my liver or my blood pressure or something?" The doctor said "No - it's not bad for you in any way" My uncle said "Well then, why won't you prescribe Viagra for me?" The doctor said "Because the thought of you with an erection gives me the fucking creeps!"

In the UK it's called jam. In the USA it's jelly. What's the difference? You don't tell the Parking Inspector to "Jelly that parking ticket up your arse!"

I was at the doctor's last week. . Pulling out anal beads. . . Doctor said. . "This is so embarrassing. . I should have pulled them out before you came into the surgery"

I was sitting on a bus yesterday when a young woman sat next to me. I said to her "Excuse me. . . Can I smell your pussy?" She said "CERTAINLY NOT!!!" I said "Oh. . . . Well it must be your feet, then"