Sickipedia

I heard that the next bond movie they are going to start of the film with bond as a man and thru the film he will gradually turn into a women , They’ve called it cocktopussy...

Pretend to be a giant by walking everywhere on stilts.. for added effect attach a pair of really large trainers from charity shops..

My swimming instructor asked me what my favourite stroke was. Apparently "The one that killed Margaret Thatcher" wasn't the right answer.

I once asked a psychic if I would ever be arrested by the police and she said “no”.. so I ran off with all her money.

I saw an advert on the back of a bus yesterday that said "If you are reading this then so are your customers". I had to laugh as I sell white sticks and guide dogs to blind people.

When I asked the AA man why my van wouldn't start he said" shit in the fuel filter". I don't really know how that would help but then I'm no mechanic...here goes..

I’ll tell you what else you don’t see anymore; 1) children in A&E waiting rooms with a saucepan stuck on their head. 2) people in dentists waiting rooms with a handkerchief tied around their heads. and red telephone boxes, not that i missed making a call or owt, it was just convenient to pop into one for a piss on your way home from the pub late at night..

Scientist claim a human sized flea could jump higher than Saint Paul's Cathedral, but surely everyone already knows saint Paul's cant jump.

I was just taking a dip in the swimming pool when the lifeguard shouted out.. "What have you got there?" "Hummus", I replied.

Don’t you hate it when you’re typing something and you’re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were tits.