Sickipedia

I'll never forget what my mother-in-law said to me as she caught me staring into space at my wife's funeral.... "Can you put your telescope away and come and comfort your kids."

I could hear my wife doing a really loud Cher impersonation in the shower this morning... I pushed the door open, and asked, "Who is that supposed to be, Cher?" She replied, "Yeah, do you like it?" I said, "It's okay, Can you do a Whitney?" "I'll give it a go.." She said smiling. I said, "Nice one, I'll run you a bath."

As a boy before going out alone, my mum would always say, "Think like a paedophile." Kept me out of danger growing up... Landed me in prison when I was 18.

I just called my mate, I said, "Going to be a bit late, pal. Need to drop the kids off at the swimming pool." He said, "Use my toilet if you want." I said, "Cheers buddy, but I think they've got their heart set on the swimming pool."

My missus wasn't best pleased with her christmas gift, and told me to put it where the sun don't shine... So I've been in Scotland since christmas day.

My super hot girlfriend broke things off with me for apparently being too over dramatic and camp... So, tomorrow I've decided I'm going to take my own life... And turn it into a musical.

I said to my Scottish pal, "I'll come out tonight as long as you promise you won't be boxing or wrestling every guy that looks in your direction..." He said, "Nae Can Do" I said, "No martial arts either!"

I was playing with my neighbours kids this morning. They reported me to the police in absolute disgust.. My own fault really, I should have know Saturday would be the day they come and visit the graves.

Hulk Hogan's final will stated that his heart be donated to the Heart Foundation... Not sure what Bret's gonna do with it.

BBC News: Liverpool crash driver turns up to court in a suit... His Man Utd kit must have been in the wash.