Sickipedia

I gave a homeless guy a tin of beans outside Sainsbury's today, "What the fuck am I supposed to do with these?" He asked. "Egg and chips." I replied.

My sister came round with her down syndrome baby this morning. She was talking to my mum about the bullying and nasty jibes, my mum said, "Oh, It's raised its ugly head again...?" I walked into the kitchen and replied, "I wouldn't worry, mum, I'm sure it's just hungry."

I went out with work colleagues last night and ended up at my fat line managers place, having sex. Feeling adventurous after a skin full, I lifted her up and fucked her up against the wall, before she threw me on the bed and rode my like she was tackling the last furlong in the feature race at Kempton. Upon leaving she kissed me and said, "This was amazing, do you think you'll call me tomorrow?" I said, "It's a possibility... My back's fucked!"

My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed. The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?" "Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."

I've just spent a few weeks in isolation, locked in my bedroom, masturbating to porn hub and reading sick jokes... I was going to venture out to the shops today, until I turned on the news and heard about this corona virus thingy.

Serial rapist strikes again! Strike all you want ya cunt, you're not getting a pay rise.

I was getting a bit frisky with the sexy Polish girl that works in the 7/11 last night, "Giz a kiss beautiful," I said with a wink.. "Go away creepy man," she replied. "Don't be like that," I said, as I reached across the counter with puckered lips, "Come on! Just one kiss..." "You want I scream?" She said backing away... I said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cornetto..."

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

I was in Wales today and my Sat-Nav said that the nearest McDonald's was a 10 minute drive away... Or 5 minutes if I walk it.

I broke the news on Facebook that I'll be burying my wife on the same day as the Queen's funeral. I received lots of backlash and 100's of hateful comments, in reply... Mostly from my wife.